I have reached the point of no return and the time to act is now. Of course I’ve said that before; many, many times. So many nows have uneventfully passed into the annals of wasted time, but there is always the hope that one day the now moment will come to make up for all the nows that have been squandered for far too long. And now I have reached the new now, the now that is about to happen right now no matter how much I wish I could put it off until later. But this time is different. This is the now that will change my future nows forever.
I’m doing it this time; no two weeks notice, no training my replacement, no negotiation. Just go in there, tell him I’m done and walk out the door. Reclaim your life for crying out loud; buy a camper van that runs on cow farts and drive to Alaska to start a vegetable farm or something like that. I can’t take this shit anymore; the same free alarm sounds on my clock app, the train smelling like a dive bar toilet, the awful coffee from the food truck I get because it’s not $3, the mundane pleasantries exchanged with co-workers at the beginning of the day that transitions to passive aggressive jabs by the middle of the day and finally the forced well wishes after a long day of pent up hostility that is taken out on social media or porn later. But that’s not the worst of it, that’s just the stuff on the outside. On the inside is the desire for filthy rotten hot stinking sex with the receptionist, the feeling that everybody here thinks I’m an incompetent weasel who the boss keeps around only because I’m his favorite shit-on, the fear that if I don’t stay I’ll wind up being a homeless methhead sleeping on top of subway vents and that if I do stay I will wind up jumping off the Hamilton Avenue Bridge and into the vat of toxic waste also known as the Gowanus Canal.
I guess if I focused more on my work I wouldn’t be troubled by such thoughts. But that wouldn’t be very interesting. I prefer my life to be an interesting mess over being a stooge who is climbing the ladder only to find that it is a never ending extension ladder that you’re always climbing but never reach the top. After all, those subway vents probably are warmer than the heat is in my basement apartment anyway.
I can feel my heart rate pick up as I pass the receptionist on the phone with a client and at the same time looking at Instagram without noticing me as usual. I approach the boss’ door and lightly tap it, still unsure if I want to do this. After a moment and a half I knock this time as I work my way up to slightly unsure. Finally, after no response again I just dive right in and open the door.
“Shut that fucking door!” shrieked the boss.
So I did and sped past the receptionist, who has maneuvered her way to Twitter by now, and back over to the work station I thought I was leaving for the last time just a moment ago. I stare at how I left my desk clean and organized for easy departure after finishing the last thing I was working on. I see that in the time that I was away I was left another assignment to begin. But I can’t start a new task now; that would mean I would have to continue working there until I finished. Then I thought about the little pep talk about the here and now and the fucking endless ladder. I have to justify my existence for once in my goddam life here and take a stand for myself for crying out loud. There’s people fighting in the deserts of Iraq right now (still) and I can’t even quit a friggin job?!
I make my way back over past the receptionist (on Facebook now) right up to the boss’ door and this time I am not knocking motherfucker. Maybe the element of surprise will catch him off guard and he’ll be too stunned to yell at me this time. I hate it when he yells at me; it reminds me of the damn little league coaches I had. I still can’t believe my mother ended up marrying one those guys.
Here it is; the newest now. The biggest one of them all…again.
I take a deep breath. After that, I’m still not ready so I take another which made me more nervous. To hell with all those gurus and their breathing mantras. My heart is racing after drinking four cups of coffee in the last two hours and was thinking maybe I should get another one and sit in the bathroom for a while. Give this some real thought.
Just as I am about to turn around to do that the boss opens the door.
“Oh, just the man I want to see; come in, come in. I was on the phone with Tudy’s interior decorator’s assistant. She’s on vacation in Milan. Fuckin bitch. I saw you wanted to talk, what’s going on?”
“I…”
“Sorry I kinda yelled at you before. I was just getting the details for this ginormous job we got the bid on and I couldn’t hear her because apparently she likes to use a blender when she’s having business talks over the phone. What the fuck is wrong with people? But it’s all going to be worth it because this job is huge. HUGE! Gonna keep us busy for a while. You’re gonna need to be on top of your game this time. No fuck ups like last time. Where’s my ice coffee?” He finds it under his Paddy cap and knocks it back with one big slurp and returns to his email. “Anyway, what’s up?”
“I qui-”
“That’s what I said in my last e-mail you stupid bastard! Jesus Christ, can’t you read?! See this is why the Chinese are about to overtake us as the world superpower, because of idiots like this. Anyway, you were saying?”
“I quit.”
“Sorry, I was distracted; what did you say?”
“I said I quit.”
“Yeah right.”
“No, I mean it.”
“Really?”
“Yeah.”
I try to suppress the shuddering in my voice. To say it like I mean it. Finally, the now moment that will change my life forever is here.
“I quit.”
He stops typing and and actually takes his eyes from his computer and shifts them to me.
“Wow,” he nodded in approval. “I’m proud of you.”
“You are?”
“Of course I am. How long have you been talking about quitting and now you’ve finally risen to the occasion, took the bull by the horns and did it. Good job.”
“Thanks?”
“I mean, I can’t speak personally about what you’re going through because I would never partake in anything as stupid as smoking cigarettes, but I know it’s very hard for people like you who have this kind of weakness of character and now to finally conquer it is a big step. Congratulations.”
“I wasn’t…”
“I honestly thought you were too weak to do it but, yeah, well done.” He returns his attention back to his laptop as he lost interest in commending me for something I didn’t do. “I’m forwarding you the details of the new project, after you look it over let’s talk about it later. Now that you’re not smoking anymore maybe your brain will get healthier and you can start picking up the pace a little bit.”
“Look…”
That familiar cricket ring blurts out of his phone. He picks it up to see who it is.
“Oh shit, I have to take this…hello? Buongiorno Monica! Wait, what language do you speak again? French? Right, so what day do you want to schedule…”
I watch as he holds a phone conversation, types an e-mail and writes in his planner all at the same time. Our now moment had clearly passed as I start to back out of the room with my tail between my legs like I usually do when I leave his office.
“Hold on a second, hey Rick?”
“Nick.”
“That’s what I said; can you hand me that folder?” snapping his fingers in it’s direction. I have my chance right now to make the statement I’ve been looking for. Just walk out of the room without doing it. Give him that look of defiance like they do in those powerful moments of the show when the little guy finally beats the big guy and exits stage left. The opportunity to tell him how I feel about him without actually saying it. Actions, not words.
But I reach for the folder in a trance-like state and hand it to him as if he has me under some kind of mind control spell. As I am handing it to him he looks at me like he just knocked me out with one punch three seconds into the first round.
“Close the door on the way out will ya stud?” as he gives me a knowing wink.
I walk over to check the email he sent. As I was reading it over I think about what to do after letting another now moment slip by. Do they just keep coming or do I finally reach that moment when I just run out of them? I guess I do but what do I do with them until then? Because I sure as hell don’t know what to do with them. I wish I could just give them to someone else. Hate to see them wasted.
Or maybe it’s not too late.
I get up and make my way out of the building as the goings on keep going on. As I walk through the front door and look around at the outside world, I take in what’s happening right now; the menacing sound of trucks roaring down the street like giant monsters from the old Japanese movies, the smell of lacquer blowing through the vents of the nearby metal shop and a plastic water bottle filled with urine rolling down the block.
I light a cigarette as I finally know what to do now. I start making my way toward the Hamilton Avenue Bridge.